Last April 24, Tuesday, finally my going to Puerto Galera pushed through. Just to give you a brief background, I had a heart-breaking weekend (extended 'til Monday!). Your guess is as good as mine. Yes, I broke-up with someone. This is why I decided to go somewhere far from Manila though I am not that close to the people that I'm gonna join with. This is where my impulsiveness sets in.

Going back to my Galera escapade… At 4:30 AM, I woke up and warm water for my bathing. Although I was still hurt by so many painful events that took place over the weekend, I was so excited to set foot in the said paradise (well, for me).  At around 6:00 AM, Ate finna along with her kids and in-laws picked me up at my sister's house and headed for Batangas Pier. Inside the car, I met her sister-in-law for the first time named Cel. Like me, she's still single and has the almost the same age as mine. At that moment, I was hoping to have a good time and to get along with them pretty well… and to forget all the hurtings even for a short time.
 
At 7:45 AM, we arrived at the pier and rode the Rho-rho (a big boat… whatever you call it) after 15 minutes.  It was my first time to ride a water vehicle that lasted for more than an hour. It may sound silly but I really felt so amazed by the beauty of the sea. I felt so free (well literally, I am.. hmmm I think I am).. and so relaxed.

At exactly 10:00 AM, we arrived at Galera and I couldn't believe I'm already there. Used to be, it was just an illusion. Sounds shallow, doesn't it? We didn't waste so much time. So after checking in, Ate Finna, Cel and I shopped and looked around for souvenirs. But of course, I had to change outfits and did a little retouch. While we were roaming around, someone from my back greeted me.. and it was Xyrus (my brother-in-law's nephew). When I saw him, I exclaimed: "Wow! small world!". What's weird is that he couldn't look me in the eye. At the back of my head.. "is something wrong?!" and.. "could it be because of my swimsuit… was it too tight or what?!". My relatives haven't seen me in skimpy outfits. I assume that's the reason. For me, what the heck! I'm at the beach not in the church!

Anyway, at the souvenir shops, I bought a badminton shorts. Too bad for me, I didn't bring enough money to buy the items that I liked. I promised to go back for the t-shirts, and other stuff for myself that I loved.

Since we strolled under the hot sun, we decided to chill out and eat halo-halo at Chowking (Yes, there's an outlet there but only sells halo-halo). I wasn't feeling assuming but the crew stared at me differently. Unluckily, my companions chose to sit near the stall and that gave the crew the permission to ask general questions and then became personal questions (addressed to me).. which were all answered by Ate Finna. Good thing he asked for my age and that's the only time he came back to his senses. He's only 19! What I was thinking.. "Not again! No no please!". Maybe, I just felt traumatized. I had boyfriends that were years younger than me. I guess, that kind of relationship will never work for me.

After eating, we decided to go back to our room and take some nap even for just an hour. I just enjoyed and pampered myself and didn't mind my being melancholic.

In the afternoon, as promised I bought the souvenirs and some stuff for myself. I really liked the white and the black pearl bracelets that I bought. I had nothing to lose so I bought both. I was thinking, I'm gonna give it to my sister and whichever she likes less is mine. After the mini-shopping, plunged in the water and had a great time. We rode the banana boat. Though just recently, an officemate (not a projectmate) passed away because of an accident in riding the banana boat, I still followed what what I wanted. That what a broken-heart can do. I became more determined and even challenged myself that I can do it and I did. Maybe, it wasn't yet my time to die.. here I am, still so alive and narrating the exhilarating experience.

At night, we roamed around and had bar-hopped a little. We had just one bottle of beer each. At first, I refused to have one. Yes, I had one.. just one.. Hmm.. but since, this happens rarely, I gave it a shot. It's been years since I last had a bottle of beer. After barhopping, we walked through the shoreline and enjoyed the moment. Actually, it was the perfect time to contemplate on things. But on the contrary, I was there to have some fun not to waste my time thinking of a person who loves me less. We called it a day after a short walk and had great long sleep.

At 6:00 AM, I woke up and fixed myself. I wanted to start my day early though slept a little late. We fixed ourselves and had breakfast. After so, we went snorkling. Truly, it was breath-taking to see fishes under the sea from afar. It's only now that I realized that there are blue star fishes and there are blue and green fishes. It was really awesome.. astounding.

Our stay was too short. We fixed ourselves and prepared our things. We had to go home sadly. The experience will never be forgotten and I intend to go back soon. Worst case would be going back there all alone. That's how desperate I am. I learned that you have to give time for yourself even for just a few days. All this time, my world revolved in the office to forget heart problems. I drown myself to work as a therapy but I guess, that's an excruciating therapy. I needed a real therapy.. a vacation. Being there in Puerto Galera became a reward for myself. I also learned that in order to love other people, I must learn to love myself first for it's always neglected.. always the last priority. Now, I no longer think of getting myself killed. Seriously, when I'm so depressed, I always think that I want to end my life and how I wish I won't wake up tomorrow. Now, after having vacation, I learned to love myself once more. I'm giving it another try. I know things happen for a reason and these trials will help me be a better person. I still believe that God loves me and I just have to understand that whatever turbulences that are coming my way will help me become a better person.

Two days ago was one of the most momentous events ever happened to me. It was the 20th  St. Cecillia Recital and I was given the privilege to sing my heart out in front of many proud parents (including mine), teachers and friends.

As early as 4:30AM, I already woke up and worked out to make sure that I'm gonna fit in to the dress that I will wear (haltered black semi-gown). I actually starved myself just to keep my tummy flat! (for non-experts, don't try it! it's not a good example!).

At 8:00 AM, I had my hair set. Jeff is my hired stylist and he/she planned to curl my hair (only with hairspray). During that time, my heart was already pumping… thinking that I am to face one of the biggest challenges in my life. I've never sang alone in front of a large crowd. This is why I considered stage fright is one of my biggest fears. And there I was (almost) ready to take the challenge. My hair was all set and make-up has been applied as well.

At 12:30 PM, my brother-in-law drove Jeff and I in the venue for me to attend the vocalization (singing without it is risky). After the vocalization, we went home and I already wore the semi-gown that I feared might not fit in.. luckily, the fit is perfect (I think! Ugh!).

Before 3:00 PM, we went back to BALAI (recital venue) and Jeff made some final touches (or retouches). At past 3, the 2nd Recital batch began. Surprisingly, there had no butterflies on my stomach when the program started. Not until the 1st Voice recitalist performed (I'm the 3rd). When it was my turn to sing, I clearly remember what I told myself.. "Shit! This is it, it's now or never. I have to make it good." I also whispered a little prayer to God to guide me. When I was about to sing, my voice teacher signalled: "Damdamin mo!" (To sing from the heart). She never ceases to persistenly remind me to feel every word of the song. Maybe because she see no emotions to my performances.. I don't mind being scolded (sometimes).

When #12 of Sharon Hits commenced, I unexplicably felt confident and tried to feel the song by showing facial expressions and hand gestures and all that. Modesty aside, I think for a beginner, I did a pretty good job (though not exemplary).

When it was over and done, I really felt relieved (figuratively and literally). All the nerve-wrecking moments are over and I felt a bit confident about myself because I was able to face one of my biggest fears - performing alone in a big crowd.

Today, I'm a bit more gutsy and high-spirited.. thinking that I have defeated my stage fright and I'm ready to face a new set of challenges in my life.

Just to let everyone know.. the song that I sang in the recital "To Love Again" was whole-heartedly dedicated to my angel up above who left me almost 10 months ago.. Wherever you are, I hope you heard it.

I started the day by greeting Reggie's mom a happy birthday at 12 Midnight. At 9:30 AM, I bought a cake for her and brought it to their house. As usual, I still feel awkward doing that. When I saw the little girl (Mayzel is Reggie's 5 year-old niece), I really felt so happy and delighted. Mayzel showed me her 4 barbie dolls. We played a bit and I'm really happy to see the little girl who always wanted to see me after every mass.

After that, I went to my sister's store. As expected, it's a day of an endless chitchats. Later on, my clothing caught their attention. They notice, I dress up as if I'm not working in one of the biggest companies in Makati. I explained to them that I'm not in the mood to dress up much because I'm still in the process of recovery. I understood their point that I should fix myself. They also added that how can I ever find the guy whom I'll get to spend the rest of my life with if I wouldn't dress up properly. I was quite speechless and just responded.. Simplicity is beauty.. But on the second thought, they're right.

Few minutes later, my sister gave me a little make over. She insisted me to put on more lively clothes. She even pushed me to wear an outfit which I'm not used to wearing (on that same time). The minute I came back from the store where we bought the top, many were shocked! It's rare that they see me wearing a womanly outfit.

Many noticed me. I received plenty of flattering compliments. Compliments which I haven't gotten in months!

When me and my sister are on our way home, Kuya Randy (Reggie's older brother who came home from Mindoro) even greeted me that night. I can read on his face the astonishment like telling me, "Is that you?!". I guess it's his first time to see me in a feminine top.

I can't promise that I'll always wear sexy (as if I have the guts!) and womanly clothes each time I go out. I'll just try to dress up a little bit better.. now with a twist!

As what I promised on my last entry, I'll try to be better. Dressing up properly is one of the things that I should improve on. To be honest, when my sister noticed my being old-fashioned.. I promised that I'll dress up nicely after a month. Because when I dress to the nines, I want to make sure almost everything in me is fine.. like I've lost some weight so that I can fit in to nice clothes.. like I've already visited my dermatologist so that all my pimples will be gone.. This is why 1 month is my target timeframe.

My sister helped me realize that it's not the end of the world. I should wear more presentable clothes to improve my looks. Well, as I've mentioned earlier... I'll try.

Yesterday, is one of the best Saturdays after 2 months. I had lots of fun spending sometime with folks who are so outspoken to tell the truth. Good thing I'm open to changes. I gained a little self-esteem when many (some are even strangers) flattered me with the way I changed my look yesterday. I modestly felt a bit beautiful.. even for a day.

Tomorrow is the "most dreaded day of the  year".. My birthday! When I was 5, I thought to myself: "Wish I'm already 12 so that I can enter High School".. When I was 12, I told myself: "Wish I'm 16 so that I can take up the course that I want.".. Then when I was 16, "Wish I'm already 20 so that all these homeworks will be through and so that I can look for a job and have my own money".

Here I am.. the girl (or the woman.. still can't believe I'm this old.) who's about to turn 25 in a few hours time.. wishing that I never have grown at all. Sounds weird but I really enjoyed the things (or the wacky/crazy things) that I used to do when I was a kid.

24 glorious years has passed. Though I still can't believe I'm turning 25.. I'm thankful to the Lord for all the blessings that I received. I'm also thankful for the good and the bad things that came my way. It has molded me into a strong person that I become through the years.

There's still a lot to learn to life. On my 25th year, I promise to be a better and deeper person. Little by little, I'll try to be optimistic that life is really beautiful. I'm not perfect and I will never be but I'll do my very best to be better.

All my life, I always dreamed of having a very simple, uncomplicated life. After all the storms, I hope to see the rainbow so that I can start my life anew. Though I haven't seen the rainbow yet, as early as now, I'll prepare myself to hope for the best. I know in my heart, I will get through... I know I will... soon.

   It’s almost 12 midnight and I still can’t fall asleep. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Maybe you’re assuming it’s because I’m still thinking about the traumatizing incident that happened 2 months ago. The answer.. somewhat correct! Well, to be honest, there are still times that I couldn’t help but think about it. There are so many ‘whys’ in my mind like.. why did it happen?.. why only now have I realized my true feelings?.. Most of the questions in my mind will be left unanswered… forever. Aside from ‘whys’, there are so many ‘what ifs’ and ‘how I wishes’ in my mind and heart like how I wish he still sees me and still cares for me… how I wish he’s still alive when I realized how much he means to me.

   At present, I’m not looking for a replacement. Time will heal the wounds. I’m at the moment not yet ready to replace the person who taught me the true meaning of love. If I were to define the kind of love he showed me, I’d say, Love is sacrifice and unconditional. Yes, I made it really hard for him.. as in really hard. I always made him feel rejected and not loved at all. I always tell him “go find someone else, you deserve someone better”. I was too harsh on him. I would even tell lies so that he couldn’t call me. I became a pain in his ass I admit but every time he quits, he always comes back. He always tells me: ”I’d rather be hurt.. at least I tried.. than being hurt without trying at all.. I’ll take the risk no matter what.”

   I’m pessimistic that someone can emulate his sincerity. His intention was so clear. Bad for me for I was too blind and insensitive.

   Things happen for a reason. This seems to be a very over-used line when bad things happen. Yup! This line holds true. Maybe the reason why God didn’t want me to fall in love with him when he was still alive is He doesn’t want me to be feel so.. so.. hurt. I can’t imagine how even more terrible and disastrous my life would be. Presently I’m still deeply hurt. How much more if we shared precious moments as a romantic couple? Now I partly understand the reason why my heart and mind didn’t agree when he was still alive. My head would say: ‘Go ahead. He’s worth a try. He’s everything a girl can dream.’ but my heart would always oppose.. God  still loves me nevertheless.

   As I mentioned last time, I feel hopeless… hopeless that I will never find the right guy.. the guy who will accept me exactly the way I am.. someone who will love me for what I am and for what I’ll become…someone who’ll love the good and the bad side of me. I think I’m being too idealistic. I don’t think that type of guy still exists.

   I now deal with present. In fact, I don’t have long-term plans because I don’t know what the future will bring. I’m not even sure if the future will be bright for me. There are so many questions that will be answered in a few years time like.. will I ever get married then later on get divorced because of my strong and dominant personality? I still hope not.. still hoping a bit..

   To all my friends, I’m so much better now. I bravely accept reality (though still sometimes week inside). Reality truly bites. I have no choice but to face the music and take the bitter with the sweet. Life is truly unpredictable. That traumatizing experience taught me to count my blessings. People around me like my family and friends are blessings. Value the gift of life by spending more time with your loved ones. Don’t aggravate disagreements. Life is too short. If there’s one thing I really.. really hate.. it’s goodbyes.